Thursday, September 25, 2008

missing: one childhood friendship

I have never been of fan of my childhood. I remember coming home from school in tears nearly everyday. Some days other kids were mean to me… but more often than not they simply ignored me. I was athletic… but I was still picked last for games in gym class or on the playground. Teachers even would pick on me or exclude me. I can’t say that there is a single reason for this. Rather, I see it as a group of things.

Back to the tears… I would cry and cry and cry alone in my room after school. I did not want my family to know that I was so sad. I can recall this beginning in the third grade. I told my sister about my feelings once… and she told me she was sure I had a friend. I am sure I did not. At least not what I thought a friend should have been like at that time. Loyal, constant, forgiving, and kind. I was desperate to find this friend. Occasionally I would experience this type of friendship from a classmate… but it was always fleeting.

When I transferred to a private school for high school I hoped and prayed I could have another chance and friendship. I was not very happy with the outcome. I did have a boyfriend or two in high school. For some reason my senior year my classmates were very mean to me. They would prank call me, I was left out of the yearbook almost entirely, excluded from social activities, and called names. Who does that??? I had friends but I can’t say they were close friends.

Well, then I was off to college. Another chance to find friendship. And I did. JI still considered myself ugly and had no confidence in my ability to do anything. But I had friendships and that was amazing to me. A few good friends whom I could talk to, hangout with, or even eat with… this was so wonderful and scary. I loved it.

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